Thursday, September 26, 2013

5 Worst Things About Being A Lady

Sometimes, since I have a blog, I think of my life in terms of blog posts. Things like, oh, that would make an awesome blog post or man, my thoughts are hysterical, I should blog about them or that drives me nuts ... must ... blog! (Now, for those who are thinking, "she is a crazy person," let's clear this up right now ... the correct term is Artist. Thank you)

Well, you lucky duck, you! I have finally sat down and penned one of my perfect blog posts :) This one is a thought rant and has been bouncing around in my head for a while now. Some of what I say may be crude or seem strange, but trust me, I stand behind every word I have written.

5 Worst Things About Being A Lady

  1. Toilets
    This one is currently at the top of my list. Seriously - why hasn't a self-sanitizing, heated, toilet seat been patented yet? As a lady, I have to sit down every time I need to relieve myself. What is this crap? First of all, the seat is nasty - every person and their dog has sat on it before me. They have those toilet seat covers, but ... let's be honest, they take too long to place perfectly on the seat and half the time they fall in the toilet and almost take you with them! Second, it is freezing every time you sit down! Every . single . time, unless someone just used it before you which brings us back to point number one. Third, we need toilets... we can't just "go" wherever we feel like it! This makes camping, road trips, grocery store outings, long walks on the beach, and just about every other life activity that much harder. Simply inconvenient! Come on, brilliant lazy people, (inventors) who create things to help other lazy people (and themselves) be even more lazy (things like remotes, computers, self-driving cars, microwaves...) - come up with a solution and make millions...
  2. Periods

    I don't need to say much more than this video does - for men, watch to learn about what a period is truly like. For ladies, watch for the biggest belly laugh fit of your life! Periods seriously are awful and if anyone tells you that it gets better after you have a baby ... spit in their face, yell, LIAR, then turn tail and run before they can retaliate. Just because you've experienced labor does not mean that cramps don't hurt, the blood doesn't phase you, and you are more comfortable with having one... It does not make it any easier to walk through the store, pick up a pack of pads, and then go through a checkout line with a male cashier. The worst part about a period? Sisters ... and I happen to have 5... and a mother. If one is on a period, we are all on a period... If one is unhappy, we are all unhappy... and do we deal well with it when we are unhappy with our sisters? Of course not... Why? Because of ...
  3. Hormones
    They feed off each other ... bounce from lady to lady... And do we understand them? No! Seriously, 7/10 times Eric asks me what's wrong when I'm crying, the response is, I *gasp* don...don...don't *gasp* know *sob*. I think the only reason why he still asks me what's wrong is because he loves me ... and he has more patience than I do. I would have stopped asking by now. And the face he gives me when I give that response is one that, if I wasn't so upset, would make me giggle hysterically. A look of utter helplessness. Just because I am upset due to hormones does not make my feelings any less valid. It could be something that, while upsetting any other time, suddenly makes the hormone-monster leap out of my throat and strangle somebody. But knowing hormones have affected my response doesn't help fix it ... oh no, it simply makes me even more upset. Gee, thanks body...
  4. Boobs
    Let's say you are a man. You are eating watermelon and it starts to drip down your chin. Realizing what has happened, you quickly thrust your neck out and behold! The watermelon drips on the floor. Let's experience the same scenario as a lady. As the drip works its way down your chin, you thrust your chin out and frantically search for a napkin, hoping that you'll find one in the nick of time. But, alas, that is never the case, and the watermelon drips ... not onto the floor, but on the large balls sticking off your chest. Does anything ever make it past them? No! Never... of course not ... boobs are a built in bib ... the kind you don't want to drip on! The kind of bib that absorbs stains, ruining your favorite shirt and making you embarrassed as you walk around in public with large splotches on your rack that everyone looks at anyway, but now for the wrong reasons *sigh*
  5. Hair Loss
    I don't know if God thought he was being nice or what, but let's face it - God gave ladies the same amount of hair loss as men - only, men actually go bald! He gave ladies so much hair that the problem simply continues. Our hair liters our clothes, showers, food, sinks, pillows, furniture, children, everything we touch, really. It is long, wraps around fingers and spoons. We find it in the most unsuspecting places ... the worst being our mouths. Do we ever have hair loss on our legs or underarms ... our bikini line or upper-lip? Of course not; that hair could withstand a nuclear bomb! And if we try to regrow our hair faster using vitamins, where does it start growing first? Certainly not atop our heads or eyelashes...
Well, now you have been gifted the wonderful opportunity of swimming through my thoughts. Next up, why my kids are cuter than yours ;)

1 comment:

  1. Ha hahahahahaha.
    AMEN!!!!!!! I love this so much and I was laughing so hard because everything is completely 100% true!!! I love you!


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