Tuesday, July 31, 2012


I love Aaron's face. It seems to say,
"Mom, you're distracting me..."

Monday, July 30, 2012

A Nighmarish Blessing

... Last night Eric died. I don't remember how and I don't remember why. I just remember feeling everything crashing down around me. I remember thinking about how he and I had just recently talked about how if he died I couldn't imagine myself ever loving someone the way that I loved him, never wanting to share myself with someone else, and there I was ... 22, a widow, and no children. Life was no longer worth living and if I hadn't known in my heart that taking my own life was bad, I might have done it, just to be with him again.

And then, there he was; as though his spirit was back to comfort me, to always stay with me. There he was holding my hand again, opening doors for me, sitting in the passenger seat of my car talking to me. I knew it wasn't really him, but he was there, and I could feel him physically, I could hear him, I could smell him.

At his funeral people wondered why I didn't seem as sad as I had been, and it was because he wasn't really gone. He was right there, just for me, and no one else could see him. He leaned over and gently kissed me on the cheek and I knew everything was ok.

I went to his high school reunion and he told me stories about people there. I went to talk to them and I told them the stories that Eric had told me about them - I felt like I had belonged there.

But my friends knew something was wrong. And I tried to explain that he wasn't really gone, that his spirit had come back to me. They tried to tell me that it wasn't true.

I reached over because Eric had asked me for a pretzel. I handed it to him and I watched him take the pretzel ...and I also heard it hit the floor. In that instant I realized... I thought back and saw that I had been opening my own doors, that I had been imagining him beside me, and I now understood all the strange looks people at his reunion had given me; I had made up their names in my head and made up the stories he told me.

His spirit hadn't really come back, but it was simply my coping mechanism.

I looked at him as he thanked me for the pretzel. He smiled and then disappeared.

In that instant, my world shattered; I was alone.

I woke up feeling as though I had just gone through a painful memory. The image of him disappearing haunting each breath I took. One hand went to my forehead, the other to my side - I felt something, something that wasn't supposed to be there... a body. I looked over and saw Eric and realized that what I had just experienced wasn't a memory, it was a dream. The most real dream I have ever experienced, and the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

I reached over and sobbed - sobs of grief of having *lost* Eric and sobs of immense love and joy at having him again. Eric woke and just let me run my fingers through his hair and look at him - all the while crying. Finally my tears subsided - switching from hysterics to quiet whimpering as I curled into him, the make-up I had forgotten to remove smearing on him. I explained what had happened and he held me even tighter.

I used to selfishly wish that I would die before Eric so I never had to experience that, but having now *experienced* it, I pray that we die together so that neither of us has to ever go through that.

Eric and I have a great relationship - but no relationship is perfect; every relationship can be improved and I almost feel like I have a second chance - a chance to change. I feel like I have had the things around me shaken into perspective. Things that were once important to me have taken a back seat to my relationship with Eric, my relationship with Aaron, those others around me, and my relationship with my Savior.

I know that each time I see Eric I will hold him a little tighter, a little longer. Each moment I have with him and with my family is even more precious, more tender than it has ever been before.

I am so grateful for Temple Marriage - for the knowledge that my marriage will continue on into the next life. That I am married to Eric for eternity and that my children are sealed to me as well. I am grateful for the blessing of my dream last night - it is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I am better for it.

I am amazed, awed, and have greater respect those who have lost a spouse and have the courage to keep going. Each night, I pray for children in unfortunate circumstances and I now will add those who have lost a spouse - that they will find peace. I discovered last night that I am not as strong as they are...

You could argue and say that I don't really know what it is like to lose a spouse as it was just a dream, but I would argue that it was real - the emotions I felt were real; and it has changed me.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Girl Time

Today we went over to hang out with Katie, Aimee, and Lucy at Ane's house. (Mark, Ane, Tyler, and Kelsey are all out of town for work) The only thing that could have made it better was if Jessica, Emily, Kristen, and Sara had been there! Next time girls, next time!

At first, the girls were over at Amanda's eating lunch so Aaron played with some of his favorite toys...  A vacuum and a doll. :) Some people might be worried that my son likes dolls, but my brother LOVED his babydoll and he turned out fabulous, so I actually have high hopes for Aaron.

When the girls got there, Aaron did something that made the girls go "whoa!" I commented on how Aaron was strong and Lucy turns to me and says, "My daddy is, is, HUGE!" and she made herself as big as she could. She obviously was trying to depict how strong her dad was and the biggest word she could think of was huge. It was hysterical. I got a picture of her jumping to show me how "huge" her daddy is...

Katie and Aimee didn't really know what was going on but they wanted in the picture too  :}

Then we painted nails - do you think I have too much nail polish? lol

Lucy chose a gold sparkle and then wanted 2 more sparkle nail polishes on top of that...
Katie and Aimee wanted exactly what Lucy was having

Lucy chose 2 pinks and a purple for her fingers and again Katie and Aimee did the same

Then they each chose a color for my nails...
Lucy chose purple, Aimee chose black, and Katie chose red

Considering the colors I had to work with, I think I did an ok job.

Then the girls wanted to put on a play
It was called the Queen and the 2 princesses...... and the bad guy. Poor Aaron

Aaron tried so hard to follow the girls around during the play

During the play they had a picnic and Aaron kept taking the food they wanted and "ruining the play" - just like any bad guy would  :}
So Aunt Rachel took over as spectator and Aaron and I went down stairs.

The girls enjoyed playing with Aaron. 
They put him in the chair and spun in circles.

 A blurry picture, but cute nonetheless...
Aaron decided his favorite place was on the fireplace... 
It was probably his favorite simply because I did not want him there...

Aaron *finally* took a nap on the way home - he did not sleep at all for the entire 6 hours we were at Ane's house. His binkie worked wonderfully as a sunglasses holder as he slept (obviously he is awake in the photo because we are home now)
Next time we'll have Heather's girls over too.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Aaron's Progress

These aren't *great* videos but it shows you a bit of what Aaron's up to...

The first is one of Aaron's favorite new games...

These next few are some of the words Aaron is trying to say. He is pretty clear on:
Thank You

Friday, July 13, 2012

New Toys

I have 3 series of photos to highlight in this post:
The first set is Aaron playing with his new pool... he wasn't keen on it at first. He just wanted to play in the dirt...

 Then I put my feet in the water...
 Suddenly, the pool is cool (yeah, lots of dirt cause *somebody* wanted to play in the dirt first...)
 Notice the rocks - he loves rocks
 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... we're done with the pool - less than 30 seconds water time
Hopefully Aaron learns to like that little pool...
Perhaps he just needs to play in it more. 

The second set is of Aaron and Eric playing Basketball...
My family bought Eric a basketball so we've been trying to get out and play.
Eric doesn't like "competitive" basketball so we just play around - and play games like Horse.
This last time, we didn't finish the game... probably because Mama gets 2+ shots each time she misses (sometimes up to 7... depends on when she feels like giving up  :}  ) so the game didn't end after 5 rounds.

 Who needs a basketball when you can shoot the sun?

After Eric would shoot the ball, Aaron would get super excited and chase it!

He is obviously easily distracted by the noise of the fence, the cars, and his own shadow...

These last pictures are of Aaron wanting to talk to someone on the phone...
I had been on the phone several times this morning so Aaron demanded his turn
Parading around saying "dada"