Wednesday, February 25, 2015

I Am The Luckiest

There has been a lot going on recently.
I haven't been myself, that's for sure. I'll be feeling fine one moment and in the next worry I'm going to pass out or fall asleep mid conversation or sink into random despair. I cry at the drop of a hat - literally, a hat falling could make me cry. My other pregnancies were hard, but I have to say, I never felt like this with those - especially not the emotional, hormonal roller-coaster!

That being said, Eric has been amazing.

He always asks, "what do you need?" or "what can I get for you?" 
He offers his arm with no hesitation to help me get up out of my seat - I don't even have to ask for it.
He always wants to know how I'm feeling. He calls mid-day just to inquire, knowing he'll definitely get an ear-full. But at the end when I apologize for rambling, he always reassures me that he's just happy to hear my voice, he loves to talk with me and wants to do what he can to help me.

And he means it.

A few weeks ago, I had a random melt down at dinner. I often feel overwhelmed with the things I feel I should be doing, but I'm not because I'm too tired or there's too much cramping, or to be perfectly honest, sometimes I just don't want to and need a break... That night was one of those nights. We were sitting at the table and he pulled me into his lap as I was crying. I tried to say, "I'm fine, I'm fine..." to brush it aside and not "bother him" and he looked at me and told me that wasn't true so it wasn't the right thing to say. I asked him what I should say and his response was, "Say, Will you stay with me and hold me for a while?" He knows when I'm not fine and he never wants me to hide it; even if I don't know why I'm upset (which, happens more than you'd think). He wants to know when I'm struggling because how else will he know that I need help and how to best support me?

He never questions what I can get done in a day. He never makes me feel like I should be doing more. He supports every decision I make. He helps me not undervalue myself as a mom and as a wife.

It's amazing how my entire life I envisioned myself getting married, having kids, raising a family.
I always knew that it was what I was meant to do, but I could never picture exactly the kind of person I'd be with. I always had qualities I was looking for, but never a whole picture because, really, a person with all of those qualities just doesn't exist...

Well, he does.

So often, I catch myself looking at Eric as we do the most mundane things - eating dinner, laundry, vacuuming - and I stop and realize, He's mine. He married me. He chose me. It's an amazing feeling that consumes me every time. We definitely have our more flamboyant moments and those are definitely special and important, but we really enjoy all the little things we do together as well.  We've been married for almost 5 years and I feel like nothing - none of our spark, none of the desire to please each other - has been lost. When he holds my hand or kisses me I still melt inside. The only thing that has changed is how much more comfortable we are around each other, how much more secure we are in each other, and how much more in love we are with each other. 

I am grateful every day for Eric. I know now as I have known and as I will always know that he is the right person for me. He knows how to make me strive to be better without making me feel like I'm not enough as I am. He knows how to swoop in at moments when I'm at my lowest, take me in his arms, and make me feel like I'm flying.

I don't know how I would do this without him. I don't know who I'd be without him.

I am the luckiest.

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