Honesty

I am starting this post at 1:37 a.m. I cannot sleep. Lately, this has not been a problem for me - lately, all I do is sleep. But tonight, I am plagued by thoughts. Thoughts that I am hoping that if I write them down, they will allow me to sleep.

Eric and I had a very deep conversation tonight. Not that we don't talk or have meaningful conversations, but tonight was different. It had a topic that hasn't been discussed before with the outcome that we arrived at...

Happy is a tough thing to define. I have the best husband I could ever ask for. I have an amazing son. I am an expectant mother. My son goes to bed at a time that allows him to play with my husband but also gives me an entire evening alone with said husband. I have the gospel. What more could I need? Really, my life is good.

And yet ... something is wrong. We came up with a list tonight of some of those things:

• The first being that I am obviously pregnant... which this time comes with migraines, exhaustion, and nausea. It makes me emotional. It makes me spend a lot of time in bed or on the couch and less time teaching Aaron. This is extremely hard. It also means that Eric does a lot of the housework and helps with meals - things that I ought to be doing.
• Another being a severe lack of friends... In fact, I have one friend - Emily who is amazing (but I probably drive her crazy...). I have lots of people that I know that are nice to me and I am nice to them, but no one that I call on a whim or that I hang out with. No one that in the back of my mind I don't wonder do they really like me? This doubt is a problem I haven't had since high school... I thought I made friends easily but recent events have brought those doubts back. I want friends, in fact Eric has friends at work whose wives I desperately want to be friends with, who seem so amazing, but I haven't had much opportunity and then there is that doubt... what if they don't like me? I know, sounds like high school, doesn't it?
• The next, like the last, is sensitive to talk about in public, but is real. I love Eric's family. They are amazing. But they don't live suuuuuuper close and family gatherings are chaotic. And as much as I love them, it doesn't change the fact that I am the "little sister" - those of you who are younger siblings know what I mean... and it is tough going from being an older sibling in my family to being a younger one... I'm adjusting, and like I said, they are great, and I love them a lot but it is still an adjustment. It is nothing that they are doing - it is simply a part or melding with a new family.
• The last is that we are looking to move. Not sure what area, but we are going to move hopefully soon. I sit here and have thoughts that basically say my life will begin once we move. Which is ridiculous, my life began 23 years ago! And yet I keep thinking that once we have a bigger place I'll invite people over more or once I truly love where we live I'll take better care of it, or once I am surrounded by different people, perhaps I'll make friends, blah blah blah...

But it really all boils down to one thing if you combine all of these - I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel like my life, right now, is making a difference. I don't feel like I am changing anyone else for the better or contributing to anything bigger than myself. And I'm having trouble finding the motivation...

So tonight we made a decision; a decision that we feel will make a difference. Obviously not over night, but in time...

Today I was asked to be one of a few choreographers for a Dance Festival. I had never heard of something like this, but I guess they are common outside of Utah. It is where 6 stakes get together and put on a huge production. It is projected that 1800 youth will participate in this event. They asked me to choreograph the waltz for 12 couples that will be taught across all 6 stakes and then performed by 72 couples in a grid system (sorry if that makes no sense but it is the best way I can explain it). I talked with Eric and we are both (rightly) concerned that it will be too taxing and too stressful given the condition I am in right now. But he saw something in me tonight as we first discussed the festival and then discussed my feelings... He saw me light up as I explained some ideas that are already forming in my mind. He saw some excitement in me - a spark. 

We realized that if I can find one thing where I feel I am making a difference that it will translate into the rest of my life. Slowly, having a purpose will rejuvenate me and help me battle the pregnancy woes. 

I talked with my friend Emily and she has agreed to help me along with her husband so that I don't make things worse by throwing my self into something I can't handle. And Eric has been so supportive. Seeing how much slack he has already picked up for me and then agreeing to support me as I want to be part of something that takes away time from being home isn't easy, but ... here he is doing it. Willingly. He has encouraged me to pursue it. Like I said earlier, I really could not ask for a better husband. It seems like he was made for me.

I am not doing this post as a pity post - I am also not doing it to hurt anyone who is close to me. I don't want anyone to walk away from reading this thinking that being a mother is not enough for me ... Anyone who is a mother knows that she cannot wrap her life around her children and live through them. That is insane. Everyone needs their own hobbies and their own activities. I am simply putting my honest thoughts in my journal. It just so happens that my journal is public. 

It is now 2:22 a.m. This is the longest I have looked at a computer screen in a week without feeling like my head is going to explode.

I feel that this is a good sign.

And I am going to bed.