"Crap" Apples

I hate crab apple trees... I truly do.

If I could, I would say that when I meet whoever thought of them in the after life ... I will strangle them. As it is, I have learned in religion courses that we all helped create this world. And I can easily see myself being the idiot who first imagined these crab trees... thinking about how their specific chemical composition would make beautiful the blossoms would be in the spring and making sure one ends up planted where I will live some day - not thinking the whole process through and realizing how absolutely horrific they would be in the fall!

Today, I decided to get up all the crab apples. So I took a rake and whacked my tree over and over trying to get as many leaves and crab apples off the tree as I could.

Why? So that I don't have to do this again.

Did it work? No.

Why? Because crab apples are stubborn and I am short. I'm pretty sure there are more crab apples left on the tree than were on the ground to begin with.

Then, I proceeded to mow my lawn.

Why? So that the lawn mower would pick up most of the leaves and crab apples for me thus I would not have to do as much work.

Did this work? No.

Why? Because my lawn mower is retarded. Instead of having a full bag at the end, it had nothing in the bag and my lawn was covered in mulch therefore making it harder to rake.

So I proceeded to rake my yard. Me, my rake, my snow shovel, and my trash can paraded around the yard collecting as much as I could. It took me an hour. How big is my yard? Tiny... practically non-existent. In fact, the majority of the yard is the tree.

So does my yard look beautiful now? No.

Why? Because it was an ugly yard to start with and because it is still covered in crab apples.

You may proceed to ask yourself, "why" yet again and you may even be thinking to yourself, "but, didn't you just spend an hour doing hard labor to clean that yard?" Well, thank you for recognizing my efforts... and fear not I will answer your question.

It is because crab apples are a plague. They seem to multiply right before your very eyes. Also - everyone knows that a plague is very hard to wipe out. You pretty much have to go over every square foot of land to find those infected and then wipe them out! Now, what makes you think I have the time for that?

So, what do I plan to do next? Return the rake to my parents!

Why? Because I am moving in 43 days - soon the yard will be covered in snow and next year, I won't have to worry about the crap apples still in my yard!

To those of you who sympathize or empathize with me, I thank you.

To all of those who are thinking to yourselves, "grow some muscles you big baby," I know who you are -- you can't hide from me. I will find you.