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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Afraid to Sleep

I am tired of crying and tired of the headaches crying causes. In the past week, I have woken up several times crying because of dreams that I have had. Not waking up and then crying thinking about it... I mean waking up because I have filled my ears with tears as they run down my face or soaked my pillow. Dreams about being forgotten or abandoned, dreams about being teamed up against or being unwanted... Dreams that seem so vivid and so real that they are affecting my life. They are making me more sensitive to the things that my husband and my family say or do.

On Monday I broke into tears on 3 different occasions (not including when I first woke up) over things that normally would have been fine -- but this time caused feelings of being forgotten, being unwanted...feelings of betrayal.  I mean, of course my dad would never intentionally forget me and I can scarcely believe what I thought my husband intended.

I just don't know what to do at this point. How can I stop taking offense when none was intended but, thanks to these terrible dreams, seems like not only offense was intended, but harm as well? How can I re-train myself to let comments slide, to not look for deeper meaning in sarcasm, and to carry a smile on my face instead of the tear streaks that now occupy it?

Eric has been really great at noticing when something is wrong, pulling me aside, and holding me while I cry. He helps me look at what was said and figure out what was really meant (as much as we can... sometimes it seems offense was truly meant, but normally it wouldn't have made me cry - normally I would have let it slide).

I think I will call my little brother later and see what he says... he often has the most profound, deep logic - I don't know where this crazy 16-year-old gets it from!

This seems like such a dark post for what my new background is (it's the dinosaur one ... in case I change it). I'm not sure how I feel about that.

3 comments:

  1. Get a blessing for the dreams if you haven't already. And, perhaps check with a doctor if you haven't already. Dreams are common reactions to stress as well. I have been having a lot of crazy ones lately too - ones where the first thing I do is reach over and make sure Matt is there. I hope things get better for you. We should spend more time together since neither of us have very busy schedules. If you ever want to have an afternoon together watching movies or going maternity shopping, let me know. And...who's doing your baby shower???
    Love you much!
    Amy Gillett

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  2. I'm with Amy on the blessing for the dreams. But it sounds like the rest of it is a matter of excess hormones from pregnancy. I've had several break downs, with no reason really. Have things gotten better?

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  3. Things have gotten much better Em. I still start crying and cannot trace my sad feelings back to anything substantial, but that's different than what I was going through.

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